Dark Humor Jokes: In a hectic life, people usually feel stressed and tired. So comedy and jokes are a great way to relax, de-stress and make people laugh.
Life can be tough sometimes, so the best jokes will not only make you laugh but will also help lift your mood. “Laughter is the best medicine, and jokes are the most effective administration method.”
So here are 150 best ‘dark humor jokes’, you will love these jokes, and you can also share them with your family and friends.
Dark Humor Jokes
1. “Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.”
2. “My grief counsellor died.
He was so good, I don’t even care.”
3. “My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf”
4. “I don’t have a carbon footprint.
I just drive everywhere.”
5. “What does my dad have in common with Nemo?
They both can’t be found.”
6. “My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.”
7. “Siri, why am I still single?!”
“Siri activates front camera.”
8. “Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.”
9. “I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.”
10. “As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.”
11. “The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.”
12. “The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.
They’re always so twisted.”
13. “It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.”
14. “I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once”
15. “When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.”
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16. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
17. “My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to ‘be positive,’ but it’s hard without him.”
18. “Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person”
19. “A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.” “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
20. “When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.”
Funny Dark Jokes
21. Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”
“Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”
22. “Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!”
23. “I hope death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.”
24. “Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.”
25. “My wife left a note on the fridge that said, ‘This isn’t working.’ I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!”
26. Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
27. Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
28. Patient: “Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.”
Doctor: “Don’t worry. Mine too.”
29. “The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.”
30. “They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.”
31. “What’s your name, son?” “The principal asked his student.” The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. “The student answered, No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
32. “When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!”
33. “What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?”
“T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”
34. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.”
35. “What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour?”
36. “Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.”
37. “You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”
38. “A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “F**k off, you won’t bring it back.”
39. “My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.”
40. “Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.”
41. “The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.”
42. Patient: “Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.”
Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?”
Patient: “What condition?”
43. Man with cancer: “How much time do I have left?”
Man with cancer: “Months? Weeks? Days?”
“… Nine. Eight …”
44. “When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.”
45. “I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.”
46. “I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.”
47. “My girlfriend, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.” “Usually an overdose,” I told her.
48. “I was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside me. After a while, she leaned over and asked,” “Which one is yours?”
“I looked at her and said, I haven’t decided yet.”
49. “It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.”
50. “My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.”
51. “What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.”
52. “What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.”
53. “Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied,” “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
54. “I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.”
55. “My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.”
56. Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back, and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
57. “My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.”
58. “You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.”
59. “Why can’t you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library?
Because you wouldn’t bring it back”
60. “Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you.”
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Dark humor jokes no limits
61. “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather,
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.”
62. “What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
63. “I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.”
64. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said,” “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
65. “I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!”
66. “My grandmother used to tell us a joke.” She’d say, “Knock knock,” we’d say, “Who’s there?”
Then she’d say, “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.
67. “Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.”
68. “What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.”
69. “Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.”
70. “There’s a lot of talk about starting families but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.”
71. “What makes sad people jump?
72. “You’re not completely useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.”
73. “How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.”
74. “Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school?
Because he’s dead”
75. “A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says” “I’m scared”.
“How do you think I feel?” The man replies. “I have to walk back alone.”
76. “What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage”
77. “Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.”
78. “I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.”
79. “My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.”
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
80. “What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.”
Best dark humor jokes
81. Grandma: “Most people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?”
Me: “Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?”
82. “Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Just stand in the middle of a busy road.”
83. “Dark humour is like food, not everyone gets it.”
84. “What is the one good thing about child molesters? They drive slowly in the school zones.”
85. “What part of a vegetable can’t you eat? The wheelchair”
86. “What’s the best part about turning 60?
No more calls from life insurance salesmen.”
87. “My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.”
88. “I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.” “Are you still holding the ladder?”
89. “What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car.”
90. “What’s the special in a restaurant for cannibals?
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes”
91. “In New York, someone gets mugged every ten seconds.
92. “Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday!”
93. “Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.”
94. “I had a crush on my teacher, which was confusing, because I was homeschooled.”
95. “Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you.
But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.”
96. Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
97. “Life is like a peepee
It’s often hard for no reason”
98. “Where did Sharon go during the bombing?
99. “A child molester and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.”
100. “Why don’t cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny!”
Dark humor jokes memes
101. “Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.”
102. “I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?”
103. “Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.”
104. “Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!”
105. “Just say NO to drugs!” “Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.”
106. “It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.”
107. “Why did two Asian parents have an Asian baby?
Because two wongs don’t make a white”
108. “I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!”
109. “My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.
The only problem is we already have three.”
110. “Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.”
111. “The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.”
112. Wife: “I want another baby”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”
113. “Madam, your son just called me ugly!”
“I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it’s wrong to judge people on their looks…”
114. “What do you call people who use the rhythm method of contraception?
115. “I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.”
116. “What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don’t matter what you call it. It ain’t coming.”
117. “What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground”
118. Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?”
Mom: “No, you’re getting turkey, like every year!“
119. “I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke.”
120. “My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.”
121. “I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads”
122. “What do you call someone who won’t stop raving about how the world is going to end?
A climate scientist”
123. “Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people”
124. “My grandparents fought during World War II.
They ended up getting a divorce.”
125. “My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2
He never talks about it.”
Savage dark humor memes
126. “Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating”
127. “My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.” “She obviously has COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” “I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, Because she has no taste.”
128. “A child determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated,” “That’s arson.”
129. “I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It’s called the Plaguestation 5.”
130. “What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial?’ “I was just following odors.”
131. “How do you ground a gen z?
Make them go outside and socialize”
132. “Gen Z should change their name to…
133. “‘Life is a terminal disease, and it is sexually transmitted.” – John Cleese
134. “Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.”
135. “I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.”
136. “My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.”
137. “Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.”
138. “Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.” – Robin Williams
139. “My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident” – Jimmy Carr
140. “Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.” – Ricky Gervais
141. “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
142. “I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.”
143. “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” – Jerry Seinfeld
144. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” “mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.”
145. “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” – Mel brooks
146. “I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
147. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin
148. “I intend to live forever or die trying.” —Groucho Marx
149. “My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.”
150. “When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it’s natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it’s natural causes. ‘Cause if you was younger, you’d have got out the way!” – Chris Rock