75 Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

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Funny Quotes

Always being happy and satisfied reduces stress, and makes us mentally healthy.  If you are also looking for ‘Funny Quotes’ to make yourself happy and lighten your mood or to bring happiness to the face of others, then this article can be helpful for you.  Because here we have given 75 best ‘Funny Quotes‘.

These ‘Funny Quotes’ will increase your creativity and will prove helpful in keeping you productive.  If you are feeling depressed, then all you need is a good laugh, given here are 75 best ‘Funny Quotes’ that will put a smile on your face by removing your despair.

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Funny Quotes

1. “Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher

Funny Quotes

2. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
—Mitch Hedberg

3. “They said, don’t give up on your dreams. So I went back to sleep.”

4. “I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”

5. “Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.” – Homer Simpson

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6. “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.” – Henny Youngman

7. “He knows nothing, and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.” – George Bernard Shaw

8. “When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.” – James Fineous McBride

9. “I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.”

10. “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!”

Funny Quotes

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Funny quotes on life

11. “People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.”

12. “Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.”

13. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” —Rose (Betty White)

14. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman

15. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey

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16. “Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.”

17. “The broccoli says ‘I look like a small tree’, the mushroom says ‘I look like an umbrella’, the walnut says ‘I look like a brain’, and the banana says ‘Can we please change the subject?'”

18. “Arguing with a women is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I Agree.”

19. “His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.” – Woody Allen

Funny Quotes

20. “Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West

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Hilarious Quotes

21. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.” – Woody Allen

22. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain

23. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

24. “After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Funny Quotes

25. “Sometimes when I close my eyes I can’t see anything.”

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26. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy

27. “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” – Oliver Goldsmith

28. “I might be annoying but at least my lock screen isn’t a selfie.”

29. “Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.” – Will Rogers

30. “How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.” – Woody Allen

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Short funny quotes

31. “I don’t like myself, I’m crazy about myself.” – Mae West

32. “Every day is a leg day when you are running away from your problems.” – Priyanshu Singh

33. “Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus

34. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” – Mark Twain

35. “If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”

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36. “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.”

37. “My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.”

38. “If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”

39. “I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.” – Groucho Marx

40. “I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.”

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41st of 75 Funny Quotes

41. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
—Michael Scott

42. “Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.” 

43. “When nothing is going right, go left.”

Funny Quotes

44. “Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.” 

45. “Does anybody know how to disable the auto-correct feature on my wife?”

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46. “You wanna know who I’m in love with? Read the first word again.” 

47. “Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.” 

48. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” – Anthony Burgess

49. “I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.”

50. “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen

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Best Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny Quotes

51. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

52. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres

53. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield

54. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson

55. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

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56. “Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during Math class… none of which had anything to do with Math.”

57. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
—Lt. Frank Drebin

58. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”
—Bobby Boucher 

59. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

Funny Quotes

60. “A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.”

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66th of 75 Funny Quotes

61. “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain

62. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
—Clairee Belcher

63. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

Funny Quotes

64. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

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65. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck

66. “When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?” – Billy Connoly

67. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright

68. “What happens after you die?”
“Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”

Funny Quotes

69. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
―Mindy Kaling

70. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner

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71st of 75 Funny Quotes

71. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller

Funny Quotes

72. “If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.” – David Brent

73. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling

74. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” – Surgeon

75. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell

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